An Apology To Myself

My sweet girl, you deserve so much more than you give yourself, and so much more than what you allow others to take from you.

You deserve kind words, gentle love, and restful nights. You deserve validation and hope for better days. All things I have starved you of. I have placed this responsibility, and frankly burden, on so many others who would act as travelers entering and exiting your life with the breeze.

I have done little to protect you from the pain of vulnerability and suffering that comes with trusting the wrong hearts.

I have fed you lies and deceit as I told you you weren’t enough or that you were too much.

Not enough patience
Not enough beauty
Not enough heart
Not enough woman for the right man

Too much love
Too much energy
Too much fat
Too much desire for a world that can’t measure up.

But lovely girl, you are perfectly enough for you. Your relation and value to the people in your life does not define who you are. Because when the world goes dark and we are all returned to dust, you will be left with only you. Perfect, strong, powerful you.

And you deserve great things.

I’m sorry for allowing people in our life with full bodied passion and empty promises. I’m sorry I opened you up to a world so cruel. I’m sorry that I ignored a history of scorned loves and lessons learned. I’m sorry that I regressed all that you worked for.

I’m sorry that I let you speak drunken words that you didn’t mean. I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep anxiety from breaking down the door. I’m sorry that I fell for someone who wasn’t ready and that I didn’t have the foresight to keep you guarded from that possibility.

I’m sorry that I have facilitated an all or nothing attitude, when perfection is in the eye of the beholder.

I’m sorry that I have convinced you that conventional is the only way to exist and that somehow by not following societies mold of love, you were wrong,

I’m sorry that I let you fall so hard and I’m sorry that I let you drown the pain in alcohol.

I’m sorry that I let it all go, holding on to nothing but the pain.
I’m sorry that I didn’t believe in all of the potential you have and all of the power that you already hold.

I simply underestimated you and for that I can never apologize enough.
For we know that the world will do enough of that for us, but to stand tall we must believe n ourself.

I’m sorry that I let you give in to unrealistic expectations and give merit to timelines set by society. I’m sorry that I allowed you to speak words that weren’t thought through. I’m sorry that I made you confident that you couldn’t lose what you wanted to hold on to.

I’m sorry that I stripped your perspective that you worked so hard to gain. I’m sorry that some choices mean nothing will ever be the same.

I’m sorry that I pulled you so far from reality, I’m especially sorry that it wasn’t meant to be.

You deserve to find beauty in exactly who you are, away from the bars and the alcohol and music and men.

Away from the expectations of strangers on the internet.

I let you believe that all you were was what people acknowledge. I let you find comfort in empty words from those who don’t know you. I gave in to other peoples wants and needs and let you put theirs above your own. I let you think you had to do it all alone.

I pulled you from success that danced on the horizon and gave you flashy distractions that ended up only to be a guise.

I made you arrogant in ways you never should’ve been and I made you weak in places that you should have stood with strength.

I have twisted the wonder and true beauty of you and I sit here and think of how I can undo this.

How do I move forward when I’ve taken it so far? How do I impress upon you that you were made for so much more than this?

But you know it already and the fact is that all I’ve done is stand in the way. You have everything you need to be the greatest version of who you are but I have to step aside.

For I am you, but a version tinged with anxiety, and regret, and a thousand words I never said.

I am the dark part that holds you back and as I thought I was doing you justice, I realize that all I ever did was stunt the potential you have.

So today I say I’m sorry, I say you were right to fight me off, and that one day my voice will fade with the rest of the world and you will stand tall.

I love you strong girl, you can conquer it all.